pre-christmas musings

This morning wasn't the greatest of walks... I was way too much, to quote Futurama, "grey thinky whale"...

It all started because Ma told me last night that Second Christmas is being held at a whole other location this year, which is essentially "in the country"... and I so don't DO country (plus, the amount of driving time versus the amount of time we would probably end up spending there wouldn't be worth the effort)... so my first reaction was "well, I'm not going then"... but I'm going back and forth a little bit about it... although I think it will probably be my final reaction, since to be honest if I don't see the folks at Second Christmas for a whole extra year I won't lose any sleep over it (although it is a little annoying because I wanted to show off my cowboy hat and some of my new clothes).

And I know that for a fact since the year before last I was driving down the road on my way to Second Christmas (slightly late since I had been watching all the making of extras on Lilo and Stitch), and I just didn't want to be bothered... so I pulled over, called Ma, got her to make the appropriate excuses for me (okay, she pretended I wasn't feeling well rather than telling people I couldn't be bothered) and I went home and watched DVDs instead...

So while I was out walking this morning I started thinking about past Christmases and the years when I was essentially all over the place at Christmas and could technically say I had four separate Christmas things going on over two days...

First from my place to Ma's place (First Christmas)... then a quick side trip to my cousin's in the morning (Third Christmas)... then back to Ma's until the middle of the afternoon some time... then off to Sheba's for dinner (Fourth Christmas)... which I wouldn't usually get away from much before midnight... then the following day off to Second Christmas...

And they were good days... at least for a couple of years... I got to spoil a bunch of additional people, mostly at Sheba's... it always took at least two or three trips to get everything out of the car once I got there... which amused the hell out of everyone the first year I did it.

But then everything seemed to implode in on itself...

The friendships with Sheba and the crew were technically starting to sour anyway for a number of reasons... and then partly because there were so many of us we tried all sorts of weird and wonderful Christmas gift strategies... which usually ended up quite good for the people I was giving presents to (since I actually put some thought into these things)... and quite bad for me, since I'm supposedly hard to buy for (and it didn't even help the year I just asked for cash because I wanted to buy a tripod after Christmas... I either got crappy gifts anyway, or nothing)...

I think it was probably around the same time that Christmas at Sheba's was falling apart that I really gave up on Second Christmas too... I mean, these are people I see just once a year and that I have NOTHING in common with (other than being tenuously related to a couple of them)... which is not to say that I don't usually enjoy myself somewhat while I'm there... it's just summoning up the will to actually turn up...

And then last year we didn't even do Christmas morning with my cousin and her girls because they were off at their dad's place for the morning...

Which isn't to say that I don't enjoy my Christmases now... just Ma and me... but I just couldn't help thinking about all the people who have drifted out of my life or who I have a connection with or whatever...

God... no wonder so many people slit their wrists at Christmas...

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