movies: goodbye christopher robin

goodbye christopher robin
Way back in the first year of the blog, I wrote a little something about my love for the Winnie The Pooh books by A.A. Milne.

Even all this time later they remain amongst my favourite children's books. And while I kinda of knew that "Christopher Robin" was based on Milne's child, and the characters were all based on his toys, I didn't really know anything about the Milne family or the writing of the books.

Enter Goodbye Christopher Robin.

And there are just some things that once you know them, you just can't un-know. Don't get me wrong, it was fascinating, but it was also incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating and absolutely of it's time and location (and class), and horrendously British (for all that that implies).

Domhnall Gleeson does a fantastic, complicated job as Alan aka Blue aka A.A., while Margot Robbie makes his wife Daphne into both a real person and at the same time, absolutely horrible.

Young Will Tilston does remarkable well as young Christopher Robin aka Billy Moon, even with the incredibly accurate and unflattering haircut. And Kelly Macdonald is a ray of light in an otherwise dull, empty and repressed world.

My favourite parts of the movie were those that involve the writing and development of the stories of Winnie The Pooh, as they dropped in so many references to the stories. Stuff that a casual fan of the stories may not ever pick up on. So I liked that very much.

And the fact that the movie was filmed in the real locations where the Milnes lives, the real bridge where Poohsticks was played, the real tree where Owl's door was constructed.

What I didn't know about the Pooh books was the craze that sprung up around them and how it affected young Christoper and the rest of the family. How accurate that part of the movie is I don't know, but it feels like something that would have happened. And it also feels more than a little icky.

I kind of wish that could have spent a little more time with the teenaged/older Christopher Robin, but the point of this story is his childhood and what affect the Pooh books actually had on them.

And for the record, I didn't completely cry, but it was a touch and go thing for a while there.

It's both a sweet and painful story, and an interesting one, but one that you can't forget you know once you know it.

yani's rating: 4 red balloons out of 5

photo saturday: walls and stuff

violetof the deep

flour shedblue face
Let's see...

This week was... blah with a side order of m'eh.

I made semi decent soup... fauxestrone (ie not actually minestrone, but in the same general neighbourhood), I possibly should have passed up on the kidney beans I added, they were a little m'eh... but then they often are.

This week's DnD games were... fine. I mean the adventure I ran on Monday wasn't the best design ever, my character died on Wednesday and Thursday's game was at the game store instead of one of our players and only four of us showed up... and we had a random drop in, who was fine, but it's not really the type of game for randoms.

Otherwise my toilet cistern suffered an emotional breakdown this week and seems to no longer be able to hold liquid long term. Which is problematic, but there's a plumber coming on Monday, so hopefully it's a simple fix.

Today was also essentially a non-event.

We did the supermarket thing this morning, I'm making some variation of potato and leek soup this week, possibly dipping a little into the chowder oeuvre if I remember to take chicken out of the freezer. And while I can deal with people on checkouts who are slow and people who are bad at packing, the Venn diagram crossover is where I have trouble.

Then we came back here before heading out to pick up some stuff at Big W... in fact given that there wasn't any movies on that we wanted to see, Ma suggested we check out the cheap DVDs there and if we found something good, bring it back here and watch it.

Which is basically what we did.

I mean we wandered around Big W, then did a brief wild goose chase in a couple of other places looking for something I'm not entirely sure exists, but I want to exist... or else does exist, but is too bloody expensive.

Anyway... we got some food, came back here and watched Goodbye Christopher Robin (more on that later).

It wasn't much of a day, but it wasn't bad.

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photo saturday: leaves and water

pink leavesmorning rose drops

spirited waterfallsucculent
This week mostly centred around me being varying degrees of sick. And having a rental inspection.

Both Sunday and Monday involved some long slow pottering around to get things looking the way they needed to, while also cooking a whole pot of chicken soup on Sunday night to either assist in killing my cold, or at worst, keeping me hydrated.

And because I didn't overthink it (my thinking apparatus being essentially clogged), it turned out really well. Just enough chilli to open up the nasal passages and a good liquid to vegetable ratio.

I got to play DnD all three time this week, since I'd flung a module at the Canadian last week, and he did a great job running the adventure, as I knew he would. So I know that at any point if I'm not up for it, I can tap him to fill in.

It also meant that I got to debut my newest character, badass halfling barbarian grandma with a big axe. I mean technically due to backstory reasons, she's not actually a grandma, but I had one of the characters on Monday calling me Grandma within about five minutes, so I'm planning on leaning into it.

And it's fun to play old lady characters... they get away with stuff other characters probably wouldn't or couldn't. Also, I love playing characters that don't make any logical sense, like a 104 year old female halfling barbarian. Because why the fuck not.

Also, you know you're a particular kind of nerd when you spend 20 minutes making a spreadsheet to work out how much it would cost your regular 5 person adventuring group per year to share the cost of an imaginary wagon with two imaginary horses and an imaginary person to look after the wagon and horses, plus imaginary food and imaginary stabling.

For the record, 140 gold, 5 silver, 5 copper for the first year, and 113 gold, 5 silver, 5 copper for each year after that. Yeah, I know.

Anyway, rolling backwards a little... Tuesday was the inspection, so I cleared out before the allotted time, went down the road to the library, caught up on my DnD "homework" (logging character adventures) and watching an episode of Critical Role (DnD web stream) I'd downloaded to the netbook.

It's also always good when you watch a particular emotional episode of anything in a public place and try not to cry.

I spent a little time beyond the inspection window, just to be sure and pottered back to my place to find that it had finally been done. Thank goodness.

Otherwise the week was, m'eh... I mean, my cold/flu diminished somewhat as the week went on which was good, but otherwise, m'eh.

Today, likewise, had high levels of m'eh.

We did the supermarket thing this morning... I bought stuff to make more soup, most probably some made up variation of minestrone. And I say this only because I bought tomatoes.

Afterwards we came back here, dithered around a bit and then did the "no clue what we're doing, let's go to a place where a shop exists" thing we so often do. Which mostly resulted in poking around three separate locations and not much else.

And that's about it really.

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photo saturday: avcon 2018

avcon 2018 - fairly odd parents - wanda and cosmoavcon 2018 - persona 5 - queen and genderbent panther
Okay, it's been a couple of weeks... there's quite a bit to get to.

To start off, I'm sick currently, or at least in the beginning stages of same, so honestly, I can't be bothered with anything right now. But it's been two weeks, so we're doing this.

First up, the Sunday after my last post I spent about four hours cleaning the house for my rental inspection. I tidied, I mopped, I moved furniture around.

Monday comes, I skedaddled out of the house before 10am when they were supposed to arrive, went to the library to prep some DnD modules, then got a call at 11:30 (half an hour before the end of the inspection window) telling me that sorry, the inspection person had had an emergency and they were cancelling. Spent the last week and a half keeping the apartment in an approximate state of readiness, then get an email that said it'll be this coming Tuesday.

And of course, now I'm sick, and I hate doing any kind of cleaning up when I'm sick. Fuck this and all this bullshit.

Also, I did last week's shopping on Friday morning, since I was going to be busy all weekend. I may have gotten a little over excited and bought too much stuff at the supermarket.

avcon 2018 - spidermanavcon 2018 - critical role - genderbent mollymauk
There's a sizeable chunk of DnD related news... most of it revolving around AVCon (hence the photos), but more on that in a hot minute.

I played my usual games, although I had a character who died died (since death is seldom completely permanent in lower levels of AL) the week before last... well, she technically committed suicide/sacrificed herself to save her companions (I know, but it was a somewhat heavy couple of minutes). I now have a replacement character who will fill in until we get around finding the NPC who can raise her from the dead.

I also ran the first ever game for one of the managers of the games store on Thursday just so he could see what this DnD was all about. He seemed to have a good time, which is the main thing.

My DnDniversary was also that week. One year since I walked through the door of Greenlight Comics to play for the first time. It seems so weird that it's only been a year.

Then there was AVCon. I was, obviously, part of the tabletop/RPG/DnD area, and picked up my staff shirt and pass on Friday afternoon... while walking away I looked down at the things I was carrying and said, aloud, "What the fuck even is my life right now?"... I mean 12 months after starting DnD, I'm not only running games, but I'm running games at a major convention and I have a teeshirt that says "STAFF" on the back. What even is my life indeed.

I ran essentially three and a half games over the two days. Almost entirely for new players, and in a couple of those situations more than half the players at my table were either under 18 or under 15 (I now understand why the award for doing that refers to a saint of the god of endurance). I also ran a module I've now run 5 times, so other than monster stats and the occasional check for certain effects, I didn't really look at the module at all. Which was nice, I got to embellish a bunch of stuff.

I did seem to be the "and also" table more than a few times. Or at least it felt that way during the big epic game on Sunday when I had a table of 6 all leave me after about an hour and replaced them with a guy and his young son and one of the other DMs.

avcon 2018 - beauty and the beast - beastavcon 2018 - doctor who - the tardis
Otherwise AVCon was okay. I got a bit of a wander in on Saturday afternoon, and then another on Sunday morning, I also got to hang out at the cosplay competition on Saturday (which is where the two photos above were taken), chat with the lovely man at the Level Up Dice stall (who treated me like we'd known each other for 10 years or something... I don't know if that's just him, or if it was because I told him I was a big fan of the DnD online stream show that they sponsor, but it was amazing either way), stalked a few cosplayers (in a non-creepy way in order to take photos).

Then on Sunday we went and chatted with the lovely lady at the LARP (Live Action Role Play... essentially DnD, but standing up and running around in the world somewhere) stall for a good quarter of an hour before heading back up to the tabletop area and two of the three of us having a table's worth of players flung at us not long after we returned.

I also thought, yeah, I'll be at the Con until about 5:30, come home, my evening is my own. Not so much.

I ended up going out for dinner afterwards, on Saturday with a girl I didn't know all that well, and we had a great time and hung out for about 4 hours... when on Sunday a group of about 7 of us all headed out to debrief and chat and just wind down a little. I got home at 11pm and midnight respectively. And the only reason I left at midnight was that that was my last bus.

I'm not sure I'm going to repeat the AVCon experience, but it was definitely something to add to the bucket list in order to check off and one I enjoyed, but yeah, not sure it's for me. But we'll see. I am going to step back from the upcoming Con in September though, not only to give someone else a go, but I am currently, what is the phrase, financially insolvent, so yeah.

avcon 2018 - final fantasy vii - cloud strifeavcon 2018 - possibly battle beast... i'm not sure
This week I had Haircut Day, Chiro Day and found it very hard to add up four very small numbers on Monday night after AVCon. Seriously, adding the results of four four sided dice should not be that hard.

Haircut Day was the hairdressing equivalent of "second verse, same as the first". So nothing changed there. I got a call earlier in the week saying my usual chiro wasn't available on Friday so I went to the other one on staff instead. Which is always a different experience, but okay.

Yesterday and today were the two days that this stupid cold/flu/petri dish of gross really hit me. Not a fan.

Today we did the shopping thing, I basically bought the makings for chicken soup and not much else, because of course.

Then we went into the city because Ma wanted to go to Dymocks. Which we did... then we wandered briefly, then we gave up and came back here. Then she left.

Now I'm trying to decide whether going and laying down is a good idea while having a stuffed up nose.

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thirteenth bloggiversary

This is a relatively quick post... It's also the first time I've done this semi-properly since about 2011.

Today is my blogiversary. My 13th blogiversary to be exact.

And tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the first time I went to play D&D, hence the dice photo and all the 13s.

So there's that.

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photo saturday: purple and blue

purple monkeyblue butterfly

kite shapemonkey butt
I think most of this week was spent in something akin to existential dread... but I can't be completely certain.

Anyway... I made the tuna morney again this week... and as always, even though I tried to keep the spices to a minimum, it still came out appropriately spicy. I can't help it, it's just the way I make it. As least it didn't dislodge the back half of my skull with every spoonful like it's done on previous occasions.

Otherwise DnD continues on as usual. My Monday game was a smaller group, which suited the adventure to be honest, and I liked the particular quartet, so that was good.

Wednesday's game was looooooong... like almost 6 hours instead of the usual 4. But we kicked butt all over the joint, almost all died, but didn't and that's the main thing. It was also nice to get a gigantic amount of XP, since that particular character has been limping along for a while now.

Thursday's game went somewhere I didn't expect... but I think it's a good thing. At least until we can get back to the other game we were playing on a Thursday. Because I didn't do arts and crafts to NOT play that character.

Otherwise there has been some cleaning/tidying in preparation for the inspection on Monday... wait, I was going to double check that... yes, definitely Monday... although interestingly enough the time is 10am to noon, rather than 2pm, so that's something at the very least.

It also means that I'm going to spend all of tomorrow morning (and hopefully little to no part of the afternoon if I can help it) doing the major clean. I need to do some organising tonight so that that's out of the way also.

I do have a feeling that it's going to consume almost all of my day tomorrow though. I just need to be on the ball and get shit done. Not exactly one of my virtues just at the moment.

Today wasn't much of anything to be honest.

Ma was doing the haircut thing this morning, so I shopped on my own. And given that I don't want to clean the whole house and then make a large amount of food and have to clean half the house again, I'm going for the individual meal plan this week.

After I got back here and Ma arrived we headed out to IKEA with a quick detour to see if I could find a refill for one of my pens... which ended up being more complicated than I think it really should have been.

But we also had a wander around Officeworks, which is always good/dangerous.

Then the usual route around IKEA... which wasn't very much of anything to be honest. Ma picked up a few things, but she was the one who really wanted to go.

And that was about it.

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photo saturday: ships of fools

big old queenorange boat

iconsquayside stripes
So, this week was... what the fuck even was this week?

Okay, the main dot points...

Monday's game of DnD was the first time in eight weeks that one of my players hasn't shown up. I mean a bunch of the others have been there or not there, but the guy I started running for in the beginning. Hopefully he's back next week.

Wednesday we were back in the land of vampires and gothic horror, and the only thing we fought other than a swarm of rats was each other. Because my dwarf wizardess doesn't take no shit from no snooty elf noble.

Thursday we were still a player down for our hardcover game, so I ran instead. It wasn't a bad game, although I let the penultimate encounter get way out of hand and as such we didn't have a ton of time for the final encounter.

What else...

Oh, just because I want to record it for posterity, I got laid in the most spectacular fashion at 3am Wednesday morning. It wasn't quite The Best Sex of My Life, but it was close, and quite similar, and worth the wait since I've been talking to this guy about once a year since 2015. Yeah, I know, and it's never going to be much of anything because he's a straight boy who has sex with guys on the side, but it was damn good.

Let's see if it actually happens again... the other issue is that his schedule is almost the exact opposite of mine, so it's hard to connect... plus he's pretty deep on the down low.

He is sexy as fuck tho. And I want a repeat performance. Even if 3am is super inconvenient.

Anyway... unsurprisingly, that made me super mentally horny the whole week... which was great given that I started to come down with a cold or something until I dosed myself up with cold and flu medicine.

Moving on.

Otherwise the week was a week. No soup again, which led to at least a couple of very lackluster meals, but I'll live.

The shopping was, average. I'm planning on making some version of tuna mornay this week, so that'll be easy across the rest of the week.

Once the shopping was done, we faffed around for a bit, trying to work out what to do with the day, and ended up doing what I like to call the Cross Road Run... where we check out Big W, Target and if we're feeling daring, Kmart on Anzac Highway.

Not that we really needed or wanted a hell of a lot, but we did find a few things.

And then we made the mistake of stopping at Cibo for their "secret menu Italian hot chocolate"... I can tell you why it's on the secret menu... it's because it's actually thick custard that has been heated up. I know because I've done the exact same thing to thick chocolate custard and it tastes, feels and behaves exactly like that.

Once I readjusted my brain to the fact that is was warm chocolate custard, it was great... but as "Italian hot chocolate" is was a big fat fail.

And that was about it really...

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photo saturday: pointillism

lego pointillism megamindlego pointillism wazowski
This week was a whole lot less complicated. Which is good.

Also, I actually cooked this week... like during the week. The upside of that is that I didn't get tired of anything, the downside being that a) I had to cook and b) I find of forgot how bad I am at certain dishes. But overall it was all good.

DnD had it's moments this week... and I'm not sure they were all great. My Monday group finished the season of first tier modules I've been running for the last six weeks, and the last adventure was kind of open ended, but I'd also gotten them worked up enough during the previous five adventures that they took great delight in taking down the bad guys.

Now I just need to come up with some new modules for them to run before they level up to the higher tier stuff.

Wednesday a woman came back to DnD who hadn't been there for several weeks, which was great, unfortunately I didn't end up playing with her, which was unfortunate. But I did play my first tier 3 game which was kind of exciting, although the DM wasn't great, which was, again, unfortunate.

Thursday we were back to the game shop, instead of at someone's house... so that was... blah. And there weren't enough of us to fill out a table, so we had to take on randos, which is another thing I've enjoyed about not playing at the shop on Thursdays. One of them was fine, one less so (making matters worse, he was also on my table on Wednesday... and I just don't like him).

Friday was my chiro appointment, so I rugged myself up and headed into town.

And that was more or less my week really.

Today was, average.

I'm still going with the "not soup" plan for meals this week, although I kind of think that I didn't get enough stuff, so that might be interesting.

After shopping and whatnot, we headed into the city to go to the Colours of Impressionism: Masterpieces from the Musée d'Orsay exhibition at the Art Gallery. Basically French paintings from 1827 to 1927.

First off, we somehow managed to choose a day when a coach full of people showed up at the same time as us, so the whole thing was a little crowded. And some people have no idea how to move around a crowded gallery. So that aspect was a little frustrating.

I'm also going to say that there were maybe half a dozen pictures that I really liked, and a lot of those were the divisionist/neo-impressionist pieces. Not that the others were bad, I just didn't especially care for them.

It was a slightly trying excursion, but an interesting one.

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movies: ocean's eight

ocean's eight - every con has its pros
I want to try and treat Ocean's Eight as much like it's own unique thing as possible, which is a little hard when it's the lastest in the George Clooney/Brad Pitt "Ocean's" series.

And it's definitely a sequel to those movies, not a reboot or a re-imagining.

It also took all the great parts of the Ocean's movies and turned them into a hell of a movie.

The script is tight and fun, and possibly a little less concerned in being too smart for it's own good like some of the previous movies. And while it does have some of those tense moments when you wonder if the whole thing is going to fall apart, you know you're watching an Ocean's movie, so it's all going to work out in the end.

Everything in the movie looks amazing, from the costumes, sets, even their hair, which I will freely admit I don't always notice... and the makeup, even if Debbie did have a little too much eye shadow in the prison scene.

And the cast... the cast is amazing.

I love Sandra Bullock at the best of times, but here, where you just instantly believe that she's George Clooney's sister, and she's so calm and collected and a little bit dangerous, she's outstanding... Cate Blanchett who is the Brad Pitt of this movie, and may actually be playing a lesbian, it's never obvious, but she's definitely queercoded and there are a couple of little comments, which I loved. Because if they want to do a lesbian gangster movie with Bullock and Blanchett, I'm 150% down for it.

This may be the calmest I've seen Helena Bonham Carter in a while, even with an Irish accent, and she's got great comic timing. Rihanna is really good, although she doesn't have to do a lot of dialogue-centric heavy lifting, which may be the reason, Mindy Kaling feels like she's a little under used at times, but that's better than the alternative. Awkwafina, who I will freely admit that I had never heard of before, is really good... weird as hell, but good and a definite scene stealer. And Sarah Paulson, how can anyone NOT love Sarah Paulson? You can't... she's just always perfect, especially in this kind of dual suburban mother but also con-woman role.

And last, but by no means least, Anne Hathaway. I know for a while there it was "super-cool" to hate on Anne Hathaway, but I never understood that, I've always liked her. And she's really great in this as the target of the scheme.

Adding to the cast are Richard Armitage in a version of the Julia Roberts role, who, I'll be honest, is a little forgettable overall. The only strange casting choice was the third act introduction of James Corden as an investigator. I mean it's not BAD, but it is strange and it did throw me out of the movie, especially as I was expecting a late stage switcharoo because of it that (spoilers?) never happened.

This was just a fun, funny, heist movie, and I really like it.

yani's rating: 4 diamonds out of 5

photo saturday: twosies

fishing geargatsby duo

pelican pairmanly statues
This week has been... complicated.

Sunday was... complicated. And yeah, there are going to be a lot of ellipses today.

My "is it a friend thing, is it a date, is it sex" thing from last week was great, but also confusing, but also great. I thought that we'd taken the gloves off before, but the gloves really came off this time. We started off with a fairly innocuous conversation about Assassin's Creed amongst other things, until I turned the conversation to whatever the hell was going on between the two of us.

Thing were said (and I told him the confusion I was having about the friend/date/sex thing, and he had had a similar thought), things were shared, a lot of very hard core flirting and a somewhat extreme game of footsie was going on. But we'd both agreed at the start of the afternoon that nothing sexual was going to happen.

And then it was time for him to go... so I gave him a hug like I would do anyone, and a peck on the cheek because that's also a thing I do... and then I slid my arms around his waist inside his coat just because I wanted to touch him, him and not the coat. And our heads were very, very close together, and he moved towards me and I moved towards him and we moved towards each other and while I suspect it was most likely me who closed the final gap, neither of us is certain, but there was a kiss.

A short, sweet, shy, tender, gentle, verging on chaste kiss. A kiss that instantly went on my list of the top 10 best kisses I've ever had. A kiss I've replayed in my mind far too many times between then and now. A kiss I wouldn't swap for anything.

But he pulled away first and said something like "that will have to be enough for now", and I agreed, and then he was out the door and gone.

Fortunately because we'd literally talked about anything and everything, I wanted him to know that that wasn't part of some grand plan, it was a moment of pure instinct, so he probably hadn't even made it to the bus stop before I sent him a message. And we talked it all through and we were good.

And then as a normal life interlude, I made Rogan Josh flavoured soup... which was lovely, but just something that I could not force myself to be especially excited about. I think I'm just over soup right now, so I'm taking a break from it this week.

Then Monday happened.

Monday was fine... there were some things rolling around in my head, but nothing majorly major.

Oh, except I went looking for attention and found what I thought was good attention, but turned out to be bad, bad, bad attention. And by attention, I mean sex.

Then I went off to play DnD. And by play, I mean run. It was a good game... I lost two of the newbies I'd picked up a couple of weeks back and instead picked up two other regulars, both of whom I like. So that was great, and for the second week in the row, I was able, within the framework of the adventure, to have the players attack one another (bless you charm effects).

After the game, I stuck around and got to talking with one of the guys that I'm friendly with... he's a good guy and I have a lot of time for him (and we've had a number of post-DnD chats this year). And I don't even remember what we were talking about, but before I knew it, the whole confusing mess from Sunday and before had spilled out of my mouth. Because sometimes you just need to get it out of your brain. Plus he's a good listener, and has a psych degree (I really, really need to ask him what the fuck it is he actually does... I thought I knew, but honestly I have no fucking clue), so he put a bunch of things in context for me.

There was one thing he said that I didn't think was especially important at the time, but pretty much went off like an unexploded grenade in my head later on. On the subject of men and sex, he said "do you ever say no"... a valid question (and seriously, he's one of the number of people that I am well and truly beyond the casual polite aspects of conversation, because that shit is boring) in the circumstances, and while the answer is definitely "yes", my brain reacted to it differently later.

Because it's not about "saying" no, I've said no, and meant it... it's about who is reaching out to who, and what the fuck I want, and other people playing games most of the time and the fact that if my walls are down most of the time because I have my hand extended, but their walls are clearly up, even though they're saying that they're reaching out.

Which is a confusing mess of a sentence, because I can't explain it probably, but I know it.

Tuesday is when my brain imploded on itself.

It was the situation with The Boy (I ran through a number of other possible names, but, you know what, that one came first and is actually the most appropriate) to start with... and the fact that I haven't worked in over a year... and I can't get out of my own way to start looking for something... and with all things I hate the "looking" process, I just want to jump straight from the nothing to the something, and just bypass the bit in the middle... because why the fuck not. And there are also changes on the horizon for DnD Adventurer's League, which they're not sharing effectively, and no matter what version of a new system they put in place, it's still going to be stupid and I'm still going to hate it. Because change, on the whole, sucks... and why are you fixing something that clearly is not in any way broken and has worked the same way since 1974.

And I didn't go anywhere and I didn't see anyone on Tuesday... so my brain had complete free reign to implode.

I was sad and angry and confused and... well to be honest, it was mostly mad at the start of the day, confused in the middle and sad at the end.

Mostly because I worked out that The Boy is at least 95% only interested in me because I'm available and interested (and that's okay, he doesn't know what the fuck he wants when it comes to men), and that sleeping with him at any point will probably be a bad idea, but certainly being his first would be a disaster. And that what I want more than anything is to be wanted.

I want to be wanted. It seems so self evident doesn't it. Who doesn't want that? And I probably already knew it and have dealt with other situations in a "you don't want me, let's move on" context, but not when it's somebody I already knew, somebody I already liked, somebody as beautiful as The Boy. And somebody who I want to want me. But he doesn't. Or at least he doesn't want me enough.

And because the universe has a sick sense of humour, it sent me people on Tuesday who definitely seemed to want me, but either wouldn't make the final step, or who I just don't really want back all that much. But because one of them likes to be submissive, I was able to be kind of an asshole and he thoroughly enjoyed it. It also made me message someone who keeps popping up on my radar, is super keen for about 15 minutes and then disappears for another 12 months... but we reconnected again recently for the allotted 15 minutes, and I really just wanted to know he wasn't going to reply this time too... but he did... it's still weird as fuck, but it's not nothing.

Have I mentioned my life is, generally speaking, weird as fuck right now?

The Boy actually messaged me Tuesday night, and for the first time I felt like I couldn't share what was going on in my head. So much so that even though we had a brief conversation where he assured me that he wasn't going anywhere, and I did likewise, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I was going a little insane. And it took about fifteen minutes of picking my phone up, opening my messages and staring at the keyboard before I finally told him that my brain had fallen out of my head.

But I also knew I needed to have a real conversation with him and it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have over text messages.

So I was just a sad little panda all evening.

Wednesday was better. Partially because I had to go out of the house and play DnD, partly because I got to have a big tantrum about the AL changes to people who a) knew what I was talking about and b) agreed with me for the most part. But also because I ended up just confiding a bunch of stuff about the whole Boy situation to the girl who works in the place we play... and again, we ended up way too deep in TMI territory because it would seem that I honestly don't have a filter between brain and mouth.

But because I'd already had the one conversation on Monday, all the puzzle pieces had been unearthed and I was able to lay them all out in their correct order and make some new connections and really work out the "want to be wanted" stuff. As well as the idea that sleeping with him now, and possibly ever, would be something of a disaster.

I will put a single caveat on that... if he goes away, has his first, maybe second, maybe third, fourth and fifth, maybe even six and seventh experiences with guys and comes back to me and says "I absolutely want you because of these reasons and let me show you how much"... then maybe. But it's still probably a really bad idea. Because at a certain point he's going to go off and get involved with a woman, because that's definitely a thing that's going to happen. Because he's a Kinsey scale 1 at best... "predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual". Whereas I'm a 6.

Weirdly (or maybe not... if everything in your life is weird, does that mean your life is actually not weird at all?), after talking with Comic Shop Girl, I felt better... to be honest, having a little dummy spit and pretending to be a 6'2" tall bipedal cheetah asskicking monk for four hours AND talking to Comic Shop Girl afterwards all helped, but mostly getting thoughts out of my head in a specific order and arranging them appropriately made me feel better.

Thursday rolled around.

I caught up with The Boy (at a place that isn't my house, because knowing your limits and your triggers is important)... and we had another in a long line of possibly "a little too honest for it's own good" conversations. All the things I've burbled in this post, I burbled at him, and we agreed that we're going to attempt to roll things back to before his drunken confession, when things were fun and flirty and not weird. How well we do is anybody's guess. I think we'll be okay. We're both too honest for our own good. Although I'm probably more open than him just because of experience.

And then the Thursday folks and I had a pretty awesome game of DnD... much roleplay was had, my character ended up with both a really awesome talking sword and the beginnings of a halfling/dwarf interspecies relationship with one of the NPCs. Because that's not going to get weird (in the best possibly way) at a certain point... there has already been a very long, "almost phone sex, but not quite and completely in character so it was both less and more weird", text message conversation I had with the DM about what happened when we made camp for the night.

It's also weird that it's totally not weird to hold your DM's hand at a certain point when you're both roleplaying in character and he's having the NPC be very touchy-feely. God, that's so weird out of context... but in context it makes perfect fucking sense.

Anyway... Friday wasn't any less weird to be honest.

It started with a Friday haircut... which is weird because it's usually a Thursday.

Tink got the "I've sorted out my shit, but just let me unpack all of this just in case" version of the story, and I realised I felt okay about everything. Things don't feel particularly different between me and The Boy, time will tell however, but I feel like it was just a speedbump that rattled us a little but doesn't mean much in the overall journey.

Sorry, slight diversion there.

It wasn't a long visit, just the haircut and then the toner treatment (which always comes out a little purple for a day or two, but it lasts longer that way so I really don't care).

And then I came back and got on with my day. Also, because the universe is twisted, it sent me back the submissive guy, who ended up coming over. And everybody got what they needed.

Have I overshared enough yet? I think maybe yeah.

Today was remarkably free of oversharing moments.

We did the supermarket thing this morning as always... I bought actual things for actual meals during the week instead of just making one giant meal on Sunday night that is supposed to last the week. So no soup this week, I'm just losing interest in it, so I need to take some time off.

Afterwards we decided that since it's so damn cold currently (relatively speaking, no... but compared with even this time last year, it's freezing), indoors would be the better option, and the movies sounded like a plan.

So we went down to Marion, did the full Marion wander as always and then went to the movies. This was followed up by very late lunch at Nando's and then we headed back here before Ma headed home.

Again, not a thrilling day, but not bad as these things go.

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