mean reds

Sunday, January 15, 2006

this doesn't have a damn thing to do with this post, but it's red and pretty and I had to give you somethingA couple of days ago I realised that I hadn't written a long rambly post for quite a while... in fact since New Years a lot of my posts have been fairly light on actual information... yeah, I got my hot water back, and had coffee with a potential model... but I haven't really had anything to SAY... at least nothing that actually looks like something of importance.

There are a couple of those longer rambly posts rattling around in my head, but one of them needs to wait until I've read one of my Christmas presents and the other won't let me pin it down long enough to actually work out what it is...

I think part of the problem is that, like a fair few other Bloggers around the place, I've kind of come down with a case of the Post Christmas Mean Reds* (see bottom of post)... I don't know that it actually has anything to do with Christmas being over... maybe it's more about the start of a new year and the fact that I pretty much feel stuck...

Of course, the Universe, having a fairly sick sense of humour, finds it funny to send particular things my way when I'm in this kind of mood... like on Thursday, watching Oprah, the show was Have You Let Yourself Go?... and while most of it was about stay-at-home Moms and just women in general, there was just enough in the show to hit home with me to make me, once it was over, pick up the phone and call my girlygirl at my new agency to check in with her and see what was happening... stoopid Oprah...

The end part of the show was about asking yourself Who am I? (stealing from Oprah.com... It's a lifelong question. It's not about the stuff… "I'm a mom," or "I'm a good employee" - it's "When I was born, what was the plan for my life?")... And to be honest I'm in two minds about both knowing and not knowing the answer...

For the path of my life up until this point, yeah, I'm fairly sure I know what the plan was, because it's all there, laid out behind me, and I completed it all, or at least all the bits of it that I can see... it's the other half... the future path that I'm pretty much clueless about... I don't know that it's all one big plan though... although there is a whole theme at work, but I don't know that I've got anywhere left to go in said theme...

Hmmm... I think this might have been the other rambly post that I mentioned at the beginning wouldn't be pinned down... and it possibly deserves its own post at a later date, where I can be less vague and quasi mysterious about it all...

Anyway... where was I...

The aforementioned agency girlygirl didn't call me back until Friday morning... technically I should have known she would probably be doing interviews all afternoon on Thursday... I mean I went to see her for my interview in the afternoon... on a Thursday... and she came straight out of another interview before me... so... yeah...

She gave me the usual "Things are picking up again after Christmas, I'll keep you posted" spiel... I worked for an agency at one point myself... though not as a consultant thank god... so I know how it goes... I do have a good feeling about this girlygirl though... she's all funky and whatnot, and I know there's a job on it's way... I just need to be in the right place at the right time.

I've only heard back from one other agency out of the seven I sent my resume to... and that was a really brief email (which actually got caught in my spam filter and very nearly got deleted... which also makes me wonder if there were other answers that DID get killed by the spam filter) basically saying "Thanks, we don't got nothing for you, but we're lazy, so add your details to our database on the website so we can look you up without having to do anything"... I haven't bothered as yet... stoopid agency...

I really do want to be working again... this whole "enforced vacation" thing was fun... but I'm kind of over it now... like Eddy I like the whole routine and mental stimulation thing of work... at least when I'm working somewhere fun, or if not "fun", at least stimulating... hell, at this point I would even be up for somewhere that's dull and not so mentally challenging... so long as I was getting paid.

Which weirdly enough, does seguay into one of the other things that's been floating around in my head a lot of late.... a combination of thoughts about what happens when Ma dies and what happens when I die... cheerful, no?

Ma isn't getting any younger, she'll be 59 this year, and given that we have this very atypical relationship, it's mother/son but with a secondary "friend" layer over that... I actually enjoy spending time with her... which is partly why we do the movie thing... spending time with her isn't a chore or something to be suffered through.

And so, I wonder what happens after she's gone... which then makes me wonder about what happens after I'M gone... I especially get that feeling looking around my apartment... what happens to my tons and tons of crap after I'm dead... who do I leave all the DVD's and all the books and all the stuff to?

Part of the whole Ma thing comes back to the job thing... she's not going to be working forever (retirement in Australia is somewhere in there between 60 and 70... but there doesn't seem to be hard and fast rules about it), and I'd like to be able to spoil her, buy her things, take her places, not support her as such, but throw money in her general direction when appropriate... lord knows she's done it for me enough times.

Add to all that the fact that my friendship base is pretty damn thin on the ground (ie pretty much non existant) at present... given that J is in London, Lownee disappeared into the ether, Raury is dealing with his own traumas, and various other friends have chosen to absent themselves from my life for one reason or another. There's the Camera Club gang, but they're more acquaintances than friends... and the one person who I did consider a friend disappeared from Camera Club for most of last year...

I'm a solitary person though, so for the most part it isn't that much of a problem... and I suck at the whole social situation thing, unless I already know at least a couple of the people around me...

So yeah... such is the sum total of my life at the moment... not quite sucking beyond the telling of it... but it has it's moments...

It also explains why I just read certain things written by other Bloggers and just roll my eyes... yeah, friends, good job, great apartment, an only occasionally psychotic boyfriend, lot and lots of sex... how terrible is your life! (I'm only teasing (mostly)... I love the little smurf really)

Okay, I think that's enough of a rambly "Where's My Head At" post... waits for the collective sigh of relief from around the globe...

* Mean Reds: "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" - Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's

Current Mood: attack of the mean reds

5 comments:

Muse Monday, January 16, 2006 8:58:00 am  

Well you should feel home at my blog then, I brag about none of that! I can relate to EVERYTHING in your post, i swear it's like we almost lead the same life but not. My mom is also my best friend, we enjoy hanging out and i guess some people might think that's weird. But we are friends, my best friend only seems to want to call when she has drama going on in her life.

So a friend at work likes to call me socially retarded because i'm not as outgoing as he, i'm comfortable around people I know. And it's hard to get to know people because i only seem to mesh with a rare few. I am an avid movie watcher, most people aren't. By that I mean I used to run a movie website with my reviews, watch indy films, the oscars is my superbowl dammit.

I also think as I get older how sad it is I have no legacy to pass my stuff onto. But more than my stuff, when my parents go, who will then be my best friend? It makes me wish I had a kid that I could share my life with, but i don't. And damn that's sad. Maybe im too sensitive because i'm pisces, or a redhead, or that I actually like a solitary life in some twisted way. So I made my bed and now i have to lie in it. Happy new year!

yaniboy Monday, January 16, 2006 10:04:00 am  

Dammit... I think we are the same person... :P

Maybe it's just a Pisces thing...

Sunshine Monday, January 16, 2006 1:54:00 pm  

Hmm ... I don't know what to say. :( But I think everyone has their own set of issues. The grass on the other side of the fence is always greener.

yaniboy Monday, January 16, 2006 3:22:00 pm  

I completely agree with you... and there are a bunch of your issues that I wouldn't take on for all good stuff... but out of all my Blogroll, you are the one who most often blogs about relationship stuff and your life in general, so you kind of copped the brunt of my eyerolling.

crave Monday, January 16, 2006 8:28:00 pm  

I can totally relate to what you're feeling—being totally comfortable in your solitude and yet. But as you said, it has its moments. I'ma send some good vibes your way...

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