dammit dammit dammit

I actually feel like I might throw up right now...

And it's stupid... it's not really like anything bad has happened... well, you know, nothing IMPORTANT...

But I was sitting on my big red sofa earlier tonight supposedly watching Jeepers Creepers 2 and I kept looking at my BIIIIIIIIIG blank white Laura Palmer (ie wrapped in plastic) canvas...

I've been going backwards and forwards and sideways and longways and slantways and roundways on what I actually want to do with the bigass white canvas... and I didn't want to really make a start on anything until I'd made some kind of decision.

So there it sat, still wrapped in plastic, taking up half the goddam room and being all bright white and reflective thanks to the plastic.

And then I got all inspired... I figured I could recreate this design I'd done a while back in coloured pencils when I first started thinking about doing something on this scale. Which really should have been my first warning... I really haven't had that much luck recreating my earlier pencil designs in paint.

I took the plastic off, didn't I...

Now, technically there's probably nothing wrong with what I ended up doing... but I'm hyper critical about my own stuff, and I'm just not a happy camper right this second. It just didn't come out the way I wanted it too... the way I expected it to look. The lines which should all have been beautiful sweeping curves turned out a little jagged and the big curves didn't curve really big... or I turned them too early... and the curve that was supposed to be smaller turned out huge and probably the best of the lot... mostly because it was the last thing I did.

And the colours are probably a little dark, since I didn't do anything to the paint, I just used it straight out of the tube.

I'm also officially running on three different brands and types of paint right at the moment... the original stuff I got when I started this whole experiment... the stuff that's the same brand as the gold and silver paint... and the new stuff which is somewhat similar to the original paint. All this technically wouldn't be a problem, except that they're all different consistancies, and they all dry differently... the cheap stuff just "spreads out" and flattens out, whereas the more expensive stuff is thicker and stays that way...

So the yellow paint is all little pointy points, and all the rest of it, more or less, has flattened out to just be flat dots.

And I just feel physically sick... honestly, I do... It's not that the canvas cost hundred and hundreds of dollars or anything... it's just that feeling that I screwed up AGAIN.

I mean part of me just wishes that I'd never unwrapped the fucking canvas... that it was still there all covered in plastic and blank and mocking me with it's "not startedness"... instead it's sitting in the other room drying out and just being all "not right"... I don't even want to touch it to try and "fix" it... since I'm afraid that whatever I do to try and improve it will only fuck it up even further.

Fuckit, fuckit, fuckit, fuckit, fuckit...

I'm just going to bed... I'll deal with it in the morning... or, you know... not...

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