hot and cold

Woohoo... the cool change is finally here, we had thunder and lightning and rain and cool, cool air this morning... and I don't have either of my fans running for the first time in like two weeks.

But it's actually a different kind of "hot and cold" that is on my mind right at the moment.

So this would be the point where we cue the rant...

Seriously, I just, flat out, do not understand men... obviously I'm specifically talking about other gay men, and given the whole "hot and cold" theme, I'm talking mostly about the way that I can be having a good old chat online with somebody one day and getting on like a house on fire, and the following day (or sometimes even later that same day) suddenly it's all about disappearing offline in the middle of a conversation, or suddenly there being this whole other vibe going on. It's like the person I had been talking to went away and had a personality transplant...

I mean, to some degree I get it... I've done it too... I get into a zone and maybe start thinking with other pieces of my anatomy, and then there's a break and there is time to think about what I've been doing and suddenly I'm all "what the hell was I thinking" (or else I get that "this whole thing is a world of yanking my chain and not in the good way" feeling, which usually means that I run in the opposite direction). But what really annoys me is the general rudeness of breaking off a conversation halfway through... it's not something you would do face to face with somebody, who in their right mind just stops talking halfway through a conversation and walks away, so don't do it online, it's just rude. Even a really lame "I gotta go" or "Sorry, not my bag baby" is better than that. I'm a grown up (allegedly), I can cope with rejection.

But then there are the guys who almost seem to be bipolar... they're hot one time I talk to them, then cold the next... then suddenly they're hot again. Grrr. They're also usually the ones who break of a conversation half way through and when you next talk to them they act like nothing happened.

Almost as bad as the guys who just have this ability to string me along... granted that's more my fault than theirs... I let them do it, sometimes I get to the point where I just go "fuck this" and delete them from all my contact lists... but there are other guys who only need to throw me a fricken bone (no pun intended) once in a while, and I stay hooked (of course sometimes its a combination of the two, but I know I'm being tragic when that happens). Which I will admit, is not a particularly flattering or positive character trait on my part.

Actually, while I've been thinking about it today (and for part of yesterday) I came to a not terribly pleasant conclusion. If this kind of think keeps happening to me, well then it must be something about me that encourages it or causes it or gives them reason to want to do it.

Not every guy out there can be a total basketcase, so maybe I'm too eager, or eager in an inappropriate way, or too pushy, or maybe I just have the "relationship skills" of a dead seagull. I'll freely admit my experience in that particular genre is fairly limited. And I know from what people have told me that I can come off (in other instances) very differently from the way that I think I'm coming across (and, you know, not necessarily in a good way). So maybe I'm like the elephant in the room... the one nobody wants to talk about (or, for that matter, too)...

Or maybe I'm just overthinking this whole thing and the guys that I'm dealing with are just shallow and it's more about my outward aesthetic than it is about my personality... or maybe I've simply used up all the available and sane talent in Adelaide. Or maybe the two weeks of extreme heat has melted my brain and it ran out of my ears during the night.

On a slightly related note, I tend to pride myself on my reasonably good memory when it comes to random scruffage... or at least seemingly ongoing random scruffage... but I was talking to a guy yesterday (who doesn't, as yet, seem to fall into the above categories) who said that we'd hooked up a number of times quite a few years back... and the face isn't familiar, and the name isn't familiar, but he seems to remember a fair degree of stuff, but the facts just don't seem to fit the only person I thought it could have been (which doesn't mean that it's not that particular guy, just that I have a better memory for the specifics then he does). Which of course then makes me suspicious, and the untrusting part of my brain wonders if the whole thing is some sort of elaborate set up (hello, welcome to paranoia)... but as usual, I'm prepared to give the guy enough rope to see if he hangs himself. It's just weird.

So maybe that's why guys back away slowly...

Or it could just be that they're not being invited to the pity party I seem to be throwing for myself just at the moment...

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