ongoing mental trauma

Urgh... I feel like crap right now...

Partly because I think I'm coming down with something (and from the feel of my throat at the moment, I think it's my semi-annual bout of what may or may not be tonsillitis, but certain involves things in my throat doing strange things... I'm hoping it's not a random throat infection I picked up at the sauna... icky)... and partly because, rather than being all Zen about the lack of relationships in my life like I was last year, I'm doing the major league freakout thing because I do have all these potential relationships of one form or another happening but they're all pretty much up in the air...

*sigh*

I think I'm mostly freaking out because I've opened myself up again, so it could very easily lead to me getting hurt if the people I'm opening myself up to don't return the feelings (compounded by the fact that there are just so many of them right now)... and now that I AM open again, I find myself opening myself up to more and more people... which just increases that potential for hurt.

The thing that's preying on my mind most right now is the conversation I had with Phoenix on Sunday... and the whole idea that he couldn't give me an answer one way or the other about whether he was interested in being "snugglebuddies" just because there was supposedly stuff brewing with his best friend... but then he wouldn't tell me what the stuff was, so I couldn't tell him just how much he was living in a fantasy land (especially since he did tell me that this information hadn't come from his friend, but from something his friend told his mother who then told Phoenix... I mean, c'mon)... because if he does have these feelings for his friend (who has rejected him on more than one occasion), and it isn't all just a smokescreen because he's trying to back away from me, then I'm still having some issues with the comment.

Correct me if I'm wrong... but his relationship or lack of same with his best friend shouldn't stop him from knowing what he feels about me, right? I mean they are two completely different things... I can quite happily separate my feelings about Phoenix and my feelings about Marc and my feelings about, oh, I dunno... Slick Willy (not that I HAVE feelings about Slick Willy... well, not ones involving my BRAIN anyway)... and each of them is dependent on how I feel about that particular person, not how I feel about the others...

Or is that just me and my screwed up way of looking at the world?

Is he just really hedging his bets because he thinks that either something WILL happen with his friend and then he won't have to deal with whether he's interested in me or not... or like I said before, he's using this as an excuse to pull away, and no matter what happens with his friend, he's already decided he doesn't want to go there again with me.

On top of that he hasn't been online at all since Sunday night... now, last week, when everything was supposedly interesting and on the go, he was catching me in the mornings to say hello... but now... nothing... so I'm guessing that tells me something.

Is it too much to ask for guys just to be HONEST... so what if you don't want to get naked and groinal a second time with me (or even a first for that matter)... at least be a man, have some cajones and just say "Look dude, I think you're nice, but I'm just not interested"... I'm a big boy, I can take it... I would rather you just said "Sorry, no" than let me hang on for weeks and weeks by my fingernails either thinking it could be a yes, or just not knowing. "No" I can deal with... I'll delete you all my appropriate messaging systems, block you on all appropriate websites or whatever, remove your number from my phone, wander about my (very tiny) house muttering random curses upon your name for five minutes, eat something fattening, and I'm done. It's so much better than the ongoing mental trauma of ignorance.

Having said that, I have been guilty of the same behaviour in the past... but I am getting better at it... mostly because I seem to have two distinct types of guys that I end up in that situation with... the ones who like me more than I like them, and the ones I like more than they like me...

*sigh*

See... this is why I don't date...

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