Sunday was... complicated. And yeah, there are going to be a lot of ellipses today.
My "is it a friend thing, is it a date, is it sex" thing from last week was great, but also confusing, but also great. I thought that we'd taken the gloves off before, but the gloves really came off this time. We started off with a fairly innocuous conversation about Assassin's Creed amongst other things, until I turned the conversation to whatever the hell was going on between the two of us.
Thing were said (and I told him the confusion I was having about the friend/date/sex thing, and he had had a similar thought), things were shared, a lot of very hard core flirting and a somewhat extreme game of footsie was going on. But we'd both agreed at the start of the afternoon that nothing sexual was going to happen.
And then it was time for him to go... so I gave him a hug like I would do anyone, and a peck on the cheek because that's also a thing I do... and then I slid my arms around his waist inside his coat just because I wanted to touch him, him and not the coat. And our heads were very, very close together, and he moved towards me and I moved towards him and we moved towards each other and while I suspect it was most likely me who closed the final gap, neither of us is certain, but there was a kiss.
A short, sweet, shy, tender, gentle, verging on chaste kiss. A kiss that instantly went on my list of the top 10 best kisses I've ever had. A kiss I've replayed in my mind far too many times between then and now. A kiss I wouldn't swap for anything.
But he pulled away first and said something like "that will have to be enough for now", and I agreed, and then he was out the door and gone.
Fortunately because we'd literally talked about anything and everything, I wanted him to know that that wasn't part of some grand plan, it was a moment of pure instinct, so he probably hadn't even made it to the bus stop before I sent him a message. And we talked it all through and we were good.
And then as a normal life interlude, I made Rogan Josh flavoured soup... which was lovely, but just something that I could not force myself to be especially excited about. I think I'm just over soup right now, so I'm taking a break from it this week.
Then Monday happened.
Monday was fine... there were some things rolling around in my head, but nothing majorly major.
Oh, except I went looking for attention and found what I thought was good attention, but turned out to be bad, bad, bad attention. And by attention, I mean sex.
Then I went off to play DnD. And by play, I mean run. It was a good game... I lost two of the newbies I'd picked up a couple of weeks back and instead picked up two other regulars, both of whom I like. So that was great, and for the second week in the row, I was able, within the framework of the adventure, to have the players attack one another (bless you charm effects).
After the game, I stuck around and got to talking with one of the guys that I'm friendly with... he's a good guy and I have a lot of time for him (and we've had a number of post-DnD chats this year). And I don't even remember what we were talking about, but before I knew it, the whole confusing mess from Sunday and before had spilled out of my mouth. Because sometimes you just need to get it out of your brain. Plus he's a good listener, and has a psych degree (I really, really need to ask him what the fuck it is he actually does... I thought I knew, but honestly I have no fucking clue), so he put a bunch of things in context for me.
There was one thing he said that I didn't think was especially important at the time, but pretty much went off like an unexploded grenade in my head later on. On the subject of men and sex, he said "do you ever say no"... a valid question (and seriously, he's one of the number of people that I am well and truly beyond the casual polite aspects of conversation, because that shit is boring) in the circumstances, and while the answer is definitely "yes", my brain reacted to it differently later.
Because it's not about "saying" no, I've said no, and meant it... it's about who is reaching out to who, and what the fuck I want, and other people playing games most of the time and the fact that if my walls are down most of the time because I have my hand extended, but their walls are clearly up, even though they're saying that they're reaching out.
Which is a confusing mess of a sentence, because I can't explain it probably, but I know it.
Tuesday is when my brain imploded on itself.
It was the situation with The Boy (I ran through a number of other possible names, but, you know what, that one came first and is actually the most appropriate) to start with... and the fact that I haven't worked in over a year... and I can't get out of my own way to start looking for something... and with all things I hate the "looking" process, I just want to jump straight from the nothing to the something, and just bypass the bit in the middle... because why the fuck not. And there are also changes on the horizon for DnD Adventurer's League, which they're not sharing effectively, and no matter what version of a new system they put in place, it's still going to be stupid and I'm still going to hate it. Because change, on the whole, sucks... and why are you fixing something that clearly is not in any way broken and has worked the same way since 1974.
And I didn't go anywhere and I didn't see anyone on Tuesday... so my brain had complete free reign to implode.
I was sad and angry and confused and... well to be honest, it was mostly mad at the start of the day, confused in the middle and sad at the end.
Mostly because I worked out that The Boy is at least 95% only interested in me because I'm available and interested (and that's okay, he doesn't know what the fuck he wants when it comes to men), and that sleeping with him at any point will probably be a bad idea, but certainly being his first would be a disaster. And that what I want more than anything is to be wanted.
I want to be wanted. It seems so self evident doesn't it. Who doesn't want that? And I probably already knew it and have dealt with other situations in a "you don't want me, let's move on" context, but not when it's somebody I already knew, somebody I already liked, somebody as beautiful as The Boy. And somebody who I want to want me. But he doesn't. Or at least he doesn't want me enough.
And because the universe has a sick sense of humour, it sent me people on Tuesday who definitely seemed to want me, but either wouldn't make the final step, or who I just don't really want back all that much. But because one of them likes to be submissive, I was able to be kind of an asshole and he thoroughly enjoyed it. It also made me message someone who keeps popping up on my radar, is super keen for about 15 minutes and then disappears for another 12 months... but we reconnected again recently for the allotted 15 minutes, and I really just wanted to know he wasn't going to reply this time too... but he did... it's still weird as fuck, but it's not nothing.
Have I mentioned my life is, generally speaking, weird as fuck right now?
The Boy actually messaged me Tuesday night, and for the first time I felt like I couldn't share what was going on in my head. So much so that even though we had a brief conversation where he assured me that he wasn't going anywhere, and I did likewise, I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I was going a little insane. And it took about fifteen minutes of picking my phone up, opening my messages and staring at the keyboard before I finally told him that my brain had fallen out of my head.
But I also knew I needed to have a real conversation with him and it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have over text messages.
So I was just a sad little panda all evening.
Wednesday was better. Partially because I had to go out of the house and play DnD, partly because I got to have a big tantrum about the AL changes to people who a) knew what I was talking about and b) agreed with me for the most part. But also because I ended up just confiding a bunch of stuff about the whole Boy situation to the girl who works in the place we play... and again, we ended up way too deep in TMI territory because it would seem that I honestly don't have a filter between brain and mouth.
But because I'd already had the one conversation on Monday, all the puzzle pieces had been unearthed and I was able to lay them all out in their correct order and make some new connections and really work out the "want to be wanted" stuff. As well as the idea that sleeping with him now, and possibly ever, would be something of a disaster.
I will put a single caveat on that... if he goes away, has his first, maybe second, maybe third, fourth and fifth, maybe even six and seventh experiences with guys and comes back to me and says "I absolutely want you because of these reasons and let me show you how much"... then maybe. But it's still probably a really bad idea. Because at a certain point he's going to go off and get involved with a woman, because that's definitely a thing that's going to happen. Because he's a Kinsey scale 1 at best... "predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual". Whereas I'm a 6.
Weirdly (or maybe not... if everything in your life is weird, does that mean your life is actually not weird at all?), after talking with Comic Shop Girl, I felt better... to be honest, having a little dummy spit and pretending to be a 6'2" tall bipedal cheetah asskicking monk for four hours AND talking to Comic Shop Girl afterwards all helped, but mostly getting thoughts out of my head in a specific order and arranging them appropriately made me feel better.
Thursday rolled around.
I caught up with The Boy (at a place that isn't my house, because knowing your limits and your triggers is important)... and we had another in a long line of possibly "a little too honest for it's own good" conversations. All the things I've burbled in this post, I burbled at him, and we agreed that we're going to attempt to roll things back to before his drunken confession, when things were fun and flirty and not weird. How well we do is anybody's guess. I think we'll be okay. We're both too honest for our own good. Although I'm probably more open than him just because of experience.
And then the Thursday folks and I had a pretty awesome game of DnD... much roleplay was had, my character ended up with both a really awesome talking sword and the beginnings of a halfling/dwarf interspecies relationship with one of the NPCs. Because that's not going to get weird (in the best possibly way) at a certain point... there has already been a very long, "almost phone sex, but not quite and completely in character so it was both less and more weird", text message conversation I had with the DM about what happened when we made camp for the night.
It's also weird that it's totally not weird to hold your DM's hand at a certain point when you're both roleplaying in character and he's having the NPC be very touchy-feely. God, that's so weird out of context... but in context it makes perfect fucking sense.
Anyway... Friday wasn't any less weird to be honest.
It started with a Friday haircut... which is weird because it's usually a Thursday.
Tink got the "I've sorted out my shit, but just let me unpack all of this just in case" version of the story, and I realised I felt okay about everything. Things don't feel particularly different between me and The Boy, time will tell however, but I feel like it was just a speedbump that rattled us a little but doesn't mean much in the overall journey.
Sorry, slight diversion there.
It wasn't a long visit, just the haircut and then the toner treatment (which always comes out a little purple for a day or two, but it lasts longer that way so I really don't care).
And then I came back and got on with my day. Also, because the universe is twisted, it sent me back the submissive guy, who ended up coming over. And everybody got what they needed.
Have I overshared enough yet? I think maybe yeah.
Today was remarkably free of oversharing moments.
We did the supermarket thing this morning as always... I bought actual things for actual meals during the week instead of just making one giant meal on Sunday night that is supposed to last the week. So no soup this week, I'm just losing interest in it, so I need to take some time off.
Afterwards we decided that since it's so damn cold currently (relatively speaking, no... but compared with even this time last year, it's freezing), indoors would be the better option, and the movies sounded like a plan.
So we went down to Marion, did the full Marion wander as always and then went to the movies. This was followed up by very late lunch at Nando's and then we headed back here before Ma headed home.
Again, not a thrilling day, but not bad as these things go.
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