movies: cruella

Let me start this review of Cruella by setting the tone for a lot of what is to follow.

Fuck. This. Movie.

Not the whole, entire movie. But very, very specifically fuck Disney for making another "villain with a tragic backstory" movie and especially fuck the screenplay writers, Dana Fox and Tony McNamara... and Aline Brosh McKenna, Kelly Marcel and Steve Zissis, who all have a story credit.

Fuck all y'all for thinking that "clumsy" is a personality trait. In fact, fuck you for putting Roger in this movie AT ALL. He does not need to be in this movie. He is pointless in this movie. I know this because you had to make him a lawyer in order to shoehorn him into this dumpster fire of a movie. He's only there because you were going down a checklist of 101 Dalmatian references and needed to check them all off. No you don't. He shouldn't be in the movie, and if you absolutely insist he needs to be there, then he should have a personality beyond "clumsy".

Fuck you for the late second act reveal about Estella/Cruella's parentage. I was like... "nah, they won't be THAT stupid and obvious... that makes no sense"... and yet, 45 minutes later... there we are, stupid, obvious and stealing liberally from the beginning of Snow White.

And especially fuck you for the inclusion of so many fucking dogs in this movie and their place in Estella/Cruella's life, and especially that she ends up the owner of three Dalmatian "attack dogs". I mean, Wink the chihuahua (played by Bluebell) is a sweet cinnamon roll and must be protected. But otherwise, fuck you.

Fuck you for having Estella/Cruella continually TALK TO A FOUNTAIN. It's a FOUNTAIN. I feel like it was actually her mother's grave at some point in the script, then things changed and now it's a fountain.

Most of all though, fuck you for that scene at the very end of the movie where it's revealed that Cruella... CRUELLA DE VIL... the notorious homicidal puppy killer... if people only know two things about Cruella, they know she has black and white hair and that she MURDERS PUPPIES. That Cruella, is the one who gave Pongo and Perdita to Roger and Anita. You know, the main characters from 101 Dalmatians.

Fuck you so especially hard for that one.

Yes, for the pedants in the room, I know that at no point in the original book, the 1960's animated movie, the 1990's live action movie or it's 2000's sequel does Cruella ever actually kill a puppy. Because they are entertainment for children, and that's not going to fly. I am aware. I am also hyperbolic.

And yes, I don't much care about spoilers for this movie. Firstly, it's been out a while and secondly, the plot is bad. It's just bad. 

You cannot make a movie about a person who's defining trait is "wanted to kill a bunch of puppies" and then try and make her sympathetic. It just doesn't work. Like Maleficent before her... this movie should be filed in the dictionary under "tonal whiplash". 

If they had tried to make this movie about Cruella's slow descent into "madness", from victim to villain, maybe that could have worked. But they wanted to make her sympathetic. Which is where the plethora of writers are to blame. We have parts of the movie where she's arch and over the top and making plans and being crazy. But then next minute she's apologising or repenting or explaining herself to Jasper and Horace.

That brings us back to that "101 checklist"... it has Jasper and Horace on it. Jasper and Horace, who are, according to the wiki of the animated version, "two burglars hired by Cruella". And then turn them into Estella/Cruella's trusted friends... in fact she calls them "family" at one point. No. They don't need to be in this movie.

It's completely unsurprising to me that story writer McKenna wrote The Devil Wears Prada script... this movie steals from that movie liberally and consistently. In fact, the whole central core of the story of Estella/Cruella and the Baroness is just the 1970's variation of that story. The fact that screenwriter Fox has written a LOT of number of lackluster rom-coms also doesn't surprise me... often times "clumsy" is a personality trait in those movies too. And the fact that Marcel was a writer on Fifty Shades of Grey, Venom and Saving Mr Banks tells me that maybe she's the person you call in when your script has gone off the rails and you need to bring it back.

Looking at the writing team and their past credits, it's no wonder this movie feels... what's the term we use now instead of schizophrenic... that. That in spades. In any case, this movie doesn't have one strong voice. It has a lot of ideas, many of which don't gel with the others.

Also, while I'm laying the boot in... fuck the music in this movie. 

Because if I am actually noticing the amount of music they're playing, and it's getting on my nerves, we're into a bad place. I am notorious for not noticing the music a lot of the time, so this is just egregious.

It approaches the realms of the first Suicide Squad movie and it's use of music (too much, too often, too obvious)... but at the same time, a lot of it is... kinda bad. I say this because I've been listening to the overly extensive soundtrack while writing this. Yes, there's a lot of cool 60's and 70's songs here, but there's also some hot, hot garbage. Or possibly they just crap up the versions they're using, I'm not completely sure. 

They really needed to have cut down the list of songs by at least two thirds. 

However.

Having said all of that... and having ranted about this movie a number of times both last night and earlier today... about how bad the writing/story is, about how the character motivations and ideas are a mess, about the fact that they needed to fuck off the 101 Dalmatians checklist...

I don't... hate this movie. 

Oh, I loathe large parts of it, don't get me wrong. However, there are parts of it that are exactly in both my ballpark and directly up my alley.

First and foremost. Ms Jenny Bevan, costume designer extraordinaire, step forward.

You might recognise Ms Bevan from her previous work on Sherlock Holmes, The King's Speech and Mad Max: Fury Road... the latter she won an Oscar for... so we're in good hands here.

The costumes in this movie are exceptional. And I mean ALL of the costumes, not just Cruella's showy outfits or the Baroness's couture gowns... everything. The men's suits have that very specific 70's cut and the men, especially those who work for the Baroness, look amazing.

And I need to give both Bevan and assistant costume designer Sheara Abrahams (who was responsible for Jasper and Horaces costumes according to an interview I read) a specific shout out for the outfit the preteen Jasper (Ziggy Gardner) wears... it's on screen for maybe two minutes... and I loved everything about it.

Basically every time we went to a new scene and there were new costumes, I was living for it all.

Add to that the hair and makeup departments, who do exceptional work with every single person on screen. Those horrific but accurate 70's haircuts... so many 70's haircuts.

Likewise Fiona Crombie and Martin Foley as the production designer and art director respectively... gorgeous work.

Everything visual about this movie is stunningly gorgeous.

And then we have the Emmas. Ms Stone as Estella/Cruella and Ms Thompson as The Baroness do amazing work with what they were given. They are clearly having the best time, and when Stone really gets to let loose as the titular character it's great. But the movie doesn't let her do that nearly enough. Thompson is an evil bitch throughout and I loved every second of it.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't call out Andrew Leung as The Baroness's secretary, Jeffrey, who doesn't get much to do plot-wise (and has maybe a dozen lines, maybe of which are variations of "she wants to see you, now"), but is very often in the background of scenes, and acting his little heart out. And he's both pretty and amusing.

With all that said and done, at the end of the day, fuck you movie. You had moments, you could have been good, you were very pretty... but fuck you.

yani's rating: 2 golden chrysalises out of 5